good morning, U.S.A.
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face
And he's shining a salute to the American race
Oh, boy it's swell to say
American Dad Scripts

good morning, U.S.A.
[Chorus] American Dad Scripts

good morning, U.S.A.
- Who can bring me up to speed? - [Together] Me! Me! Pick me!
- I choose... Smith. - Face!
One hour ago, a cyber-terrorist hacked into the dam's computers and shut it down...
causing statewide blackouts...
and my DVD of Personal Best to cut out right before the chicks did each other.
- Any suspects? - No. But the psychopath faxed us this note.
Luckily, there was paper in the machine this time.
I've never seen this language before.
No one has, sir. That's why we're flying in our top code breaker.
[Stan] His name is Tom Jorgenson. He's notoriously difficult to work with.
Some call him a genius. Others call him a madman.
But he's the single most valuable weapon our country has in our war on terror.
Scott here is, uh, pretty good at theJumble.
Damn it! There's a maniac out there jeopardizing the security of our nation!
We must focus all of our resources on catching him!
- [Whispering] - Right after softball practice.
It slipped the surly bonds of Earth to touch the face of God.
Nice shot, Smith. Accompanied by a hauntingly poignant turn of phrase.
Thanks. It's from Reagan's speech when the Challenger blew up.
Speaking of which, you're going down in flames at the father/son softball game Saturday.
Hey, my kid just made varsity, and he's only 12 or something.
Yeah. My son is so strong, when I talk out of turn, he beats me up with one hand.
His one freakishly large hand.
Oh, yeah? Well, my son's a chip off the old perfectly chiseled...
never impotent, except for that one time I couldn't get Lisa Kudrow out of my head, block.
Yep. Steve's an absolute warrior.
I am the Elf Warrior of Gallendror!
My elf powers are invisibility, archery and worthy hygiene.
Well, your freshly brushed teeth will make a minty necklace for my troll king!
- Oh, snap.! - [Steve] All right then, bring it on.! Bring it on.!
I sure hope the fellows like Crystal Light as much as I do.
Roger, have you lost your mind? You know you can't let Steve's friends see you.
Oh, Hayley, they won't notice I'm not Francine. They're 13.
They'll never take their eyes off my sweater meat.
Look, don't go down there.
I promise I'll help you find a safe way to socialize with humans.
That'd be great, Hayley. I feel so cooped up in this place.
It's like a prison, except without the thrill of a daily cavity search.
Did I say thrill? I meant fear.
[Stan] Nice one.! Beautiful.!
Way to step into it. Amazing.
Huh. He's good, but he's no Smith.
Sun was in your eyes. Wind took that one.
You weren't ready yet. You weren't ready yet. You weren't ready yet.
- [Groans] - Good job, Son. Take your base.
Sandwiches for my big sluggers.
Steve, I put yours in the blender so you don't have to chew.
Thanks, Mom. And thanks again for hanging out with me today, Dad.
It doesn't look like Steve had much fun at the batting cages.
Nonsense! You should have seen him crying when we were leaving.
You know, Stan, maybe Steve's not the athlete you think he is.
- Are you saying our son is a loser? - No, of course not. I'm just-
Damn right. Because if you're an athlete, you're a winner.
And all Smiths are winners. Therefore, all athletes are Smiths.
I'll take my sandwich in the study.
Ach, he's so delusional. Well, I'm late for my pedicure.
[Imitating Motor Running]
[Imitating Tires Screeching]
[Imitating Footsteps]
[Imitating Door Creaking]
I'm sorry I'm late, Mai Ling. I'm thinking French tips this week.
Behold! It is here. The events guide to this weekend's sci-fi convention.
- I've been waiting all year for this! - Yeah!
They're doing a Klingon wedding, followed by a Klingon divorce.
- Rok-pra.! - You said it! Get a prenup.
Steve, how would you like to go to the Yankee-Oriole game tomorrow?
- Really? - Absolutely. If you want to get good at something...
you have to see it done up close by professionals.
That's why I took your mother to Bangkok last summer.
Oh! Her Pad Thai is delicious now.
Uh, Steve, you were supposed to go on a mission with us tomorrow?
- You're all invited. - Cool! Can we wear our uniforms?
- Absolutely. And I got you all baseball jackets too. - Oh, that's great, man!
Your size would have cost me two bucks extra, so, uh, just bring a sweater.
- I've never been to a baseball game before. - Yeah?
Well, wait till you hear who pulled some strings to get us into the Yankee locker room.
- You? - I said wait, pork chop!
Whoa. Whoa. [Chuckles] Where did that come from?
Uh, yes, Steve's friend, it was me.
Well, going to the beach as a Saudi exchange student was an awful idea.
Well, I'm sorry no one talked to you. But we can't risk anyone seeing you.
Hayley, I'm a social creature. I need to mingle.
You know, back home, I was a greeter at Philaxido?
It's kind of like Wal-Mart.
Except when people work there for 18 years, they aren't proud of it.
- [Chattering] - Look, boys. Perennial All-Star, DerekJeter.
Hey, kids. Have fun at the game.
Listen, the C.I.A. Said they were done with me.
I still have the headaches and the nightmares.
What happened in Munich? Who did I kill?
No, no. I'm not here for that. I'm here with my son.
He's an athlete, like you.
- We've landed. Gentlemen, reveal uniforms. - [Men Chuckling]
- Steve, what are you doing? - [Beeps]
We've beamed down to a planet of strange men in swaddling clothes.
- What's your reading, Chekov? - [Speaking Japanese]
I'm Sulu.
Athlete? Stan, your son's a geek.
What? No! No, that can't be!
[Techno Pop]
- [Ends] - Aah!
Oh, thank God! [Gasps]
- The cyber-terrorist has struck again. - That's right, Greg.
This time he hacked into the computer system of the largest refinery on the East Coast...
essentially shutting down all oil production.
Oh, I hope that doesn't include olive oil.
Someone promised to make me paella this weekend.
Great. Now it seems like an obligation instead of a treat.
- [Grinding] - Stan, stop grinding your teeth.
It's not your fault that nut-job is still out there.
Forget national security! We have a real crisis! Our son is a geek!
So our son is a geek? Who cares?
You knew? What else have you been hiding?
Maybe the fact that he's not even my son?
Please! Please tell me you slept with another man!
Tell me it was in our bed, and he was wearing my tie as a headband...
and-and you grabbed the tie to gain leverage...
and then apologized, embarrassed, but he said...
"No, baby. You grab what you need to grab to keep doing what you're doing."
Tell me! If you ever loved me, you'll tell me that's what happened!
Stop overreacting.
Look, you two are gonna go to the father/son softball game tomorrow...
and have a wonderful time.
Hey, everyone. I'm Steve Smith, Stan Smith's son.
Stan Smith is my dad. Watch me play throw. [Grunts]
[All Laughing]
Oh, honey. You're breaking out in a stress rash.
You need ein facial. I'll call Mai Ling and make you an appointment.
[Imitating Dialing]
[Imitating Phone Ringing]
McCullough's Outdoor Furniture, Bob speaking.
Ach, I'm sorry. I must have misdialed. Click.
Look, you said you wanted a job so you could meet people.
No, no, it's good. L-It's fine. The costume's nice and spacious.
There's enough room in here for everything, except my self-respect.
It's not my fault the job market sucks. I didn't vote for Bush.
- Let it go, Hayley. - [Hayley] Never.!
- Uh, hey, Son. - Dad, check out my protective cup.
It's like a force field for my boy parts.
Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yes, yes. Unfortunately, the game's been rained out.
- Oh, no. - Yeah, I know. God, I'm crushed!
- You know, we could still do something together. - We sure could.
Well, good-bye!
[Doorbell Rings]
Hey, Steve. Want to burn bugs with a magnifying glass?
We use the sun to send them to heaven.
Wait. It's not raining.
Wow! Your dad used a rain machine to ditch you? Why the hell would he do that?
- Knock it out of the park, Son! - [Cheering]
- Nice hit, Son! - [Man] Go.! Go.! Go.! Go.! Yeah.!
- Your son is phenomenal, Smith. - Thank you, sir.
Yeah, he's amazing.
- No one told you to talk! - I'm sorry, Son.
Hey, Stan. How come I've never seen this son of yours before?
Darnelle's been to the office a hundred times!
Or are black people invisible to you, you racist bastard?
- [Crowd Cheering] - Wow! They sure can run, can't they?
Way to go, Son!
Half off on a peach smoothie!
Thanks. That's a good deal.
Yes! I had a conversation.
[Man] What are you doin'on my corner?
Hola, Taco King. ¿Cómo estás?
Guess I should have used the formal usted.
- You're cutting into my business! - Oh, come on.
I bet if you let me inside your hard shell, I'd find a lump of soft meat.
[Chuckles] Th-That came out wrong.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Please! Let's talk this out! Pl- Ow!
- [Roger] Why does everyone hate the juice? - [Horns Honking]
[Humming: "Take Me Out To the Ball Game"]
- Uh, Steve! - How was your day?
Oh, i-i-i-it was, uh, it was great. Great.
Great. Great. What's, uh, what's that on your shoulder?
It looks like a strand of Big League chew.
Except that looks like grape. And you only chew original.
Oh, that. Uh, well, I, uh-
I was at the softball game, Dad! I saw you with him!
Look, I'm sorry, all right? I'm weak! I have needs!
No, I'm sorry. Sorry I'm not the son you want me to be!
- [Grunts] - [Grinding]
Uh, Francine!
- What kind of father would do that to his own son? - [Grinding]
- [Screams] - I got beat up by a taco.
- [Grinding] - [Snap]
Mr. Smith, you're what we call in the business a Class "A" grinder.
Now I'm not talking about the sandwich grinder...
or the organ grinder you may find locked in sweaty coitus with your father...
one fateful afternoon in Rome.
No, you're a Class "A" grinder...
meaning that you grind your teeth so fervently that you need braces.
Braces? You've got to be kidding!
[Chuckles] I only wish, Mr. Smith.
And I only wish I had never known the sickly sweet scent of my father's love...
with that filthy fat gypsy.
And that I could have mustered something other than "Papa, no!"...
before that shrieking monkey drove me from the room.
But you're a grinder, and you're getting braces.
But l-I already had braces when I was a kid.
Doctor, I've paid my dues.
- [Thinking] Papa, no! - [Thinking: Monkey Screeching]
- [Thinking: Footsteps Running] - [Thinking: Door Slamming Shut]
Do we ever pay our dues, Mr. Smith?
[Beeping Rapidly]
This morning the cyber-terrorist struck again.
Agent Smith, could you tell us the location?
[Lisping] The Securities and Exchange Commission.
- [All Laughing] - Oh, ha, ha, very funny.
All right. All right. Settle down. Back to the cyber-terrorist.
Once again, he sent a note in the same mysterious language.
All of our living code breakers are absolutely stumped.
Therefore, because we have no leads, this afternoon we'll be raiding a mosque.
- [All Cheering] - All right! Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, pizza face! Here comes a delivery!
[All Laughing]
Well, that guy was a real jerk.
Yes. It's a sad sight when Americans turn against Americans.
- [Men Laughing] - Oh, ha, ha. Real mature, guys.
- You're lucky I'm wearing my vest. - Your attention, please.
I'm afraid the arbitrary raid on that mosque has been canceled due to rain.
- [All Aahing] - Man!
Well, I might as well get my rainy-day mix tape out of the car.
Wait a second.
Not a drop of rain in all of Christendom.
- They ditched me. - [Horn Honking]
[Honking Continues]
[All Laughing]
I'm telling the president on you!
They all went on a mission and left me behind like- like I was... a geek!
Well, now you know how you made Steve feel.
So you need to go to him and apologize and tell him how much you love him.
Fine. If I'm gonna be a geek, I might as well be a sissy too.
I steal your bag of holding, cut off your head with my vorpal blade...
and throw your corpse in the fires of Lake Piracima!
- Whoa! Easy, Steve. - I am not your father, okay?
I'm just Balthor, a simple ogre blacksmith trying to make a living.
[Speaking Japanese]
Steve, may I speak to you for a second?
Come on, Steve. He's your dad.
Shut up, fatty fat, fat pants!
Wow. Seriously, I have no idea what that's about.
Only the holder of the amulet may talk.
- So I give you an elf curse! - Oh, my God!
[Stan] That's the language the cyber-terrorist uses in his notes.!
What? Wait. May I?
Why do they always set the rear brackets too tight?
- There. Now say something. - [Lisp Free] Sweet Sally Struthers.
Sweet Sally Struthers. I can say sweet Sally Struthers!
- Now tell me, what is that language? - It's Elvish.
- Of course. The Yiddish Elvis. - No. The language of the elves.
Look, Steve, if you could translate his notes...
then I could capture this madman and be one of the cool agents again.
Please, Son. I really need your help.
[Sighs] Fine. I'll help you.
Look, Mr. Smith, your stress zits are going away. Yea!
Oh, God, I want to hit you!
Okay, in this one, the cyber-terrorist says...
"Your money will come to a grinding halt and all because of society's fault."
Of course! He was taunting us about his attack on the Securities Exchange Commission.
If only there was some clue as to who this elusive mastermind is.
It's right here in the letterhead- "From the desk of Dan Vebber."
- Holy crap! The Dan Vebber? - You know this monster?
Are you kidding? He's only the contributing editor of Wizards and Shut-Ins magazine.
And tonight, there's only one place he could be- the sci-fi convention.
Then let's go! And way to save precious seconds by abbreviating science fiction as sci-fi.
But next time, maybe say sci-fi con or S.F.C., because time is of the essence.
Or as we say at the agency, T.O. - No. No, wait.
Time is- is of-T.I.O. -T.I.O. - What am I spelling here?
- Where are you going? - Sci-fi convention!
Roger, I know a place where you can meet people. [Gasps]
Oh, my God! If he had just held on!
Huh? Oh, no, no. I sleep like this sometimes. It's good for my back.
So where are we going?
So why would Dan Vebber become a cyber-terrorist?
What do we know about Dan Vebber?
- Well, he's a grown man obsessed with The Lord of the Rings- - That's it!
By destroying modern infrastructures...
he hopes to create a Middle Earth in the here and now.
That's it! I've cracked it!
But wait a second. Steve was the one who-
Good God! Who's manning the Internet?
- [Whirring] - [Cocking]
- Agent Smith, C.I.A. - Agent Mulder, F.B.I.
- I'm Agent Scully. - Excellent. Follow me.
I don't know who he's playing, but he is so committed.
Do not invite him back to the apartment.
- But- - Not even to watch.
Oh, this is so great, not having to wear a disguise.
I can actually make a connection with people as me.
Want me to Irish up that coffee for you?
- No? Well, suit yourself. - [Gulping]
Hey, I'm Roger. Nice to meet you. Nanu nanu.
Hey, it's- it's you!
- Oh, God! This guy. - You know him?
- It's me, Kurt. - Right. Right, Kurt.
- How ya doing? - How am I doing? You probed me!
You set fire to my Celica! No one believed me!
My wife left me! She took my boys!
But, hey, that's okay because you're back...
and you can tell everyone that you exist and that I'm not crazy.
Yeah. Uh, this is kind of my weekend.
Um, look, just, uh, hang out at your booth and I'll swing back by...
and we'll piece together the shattered remains of your life or- or whatever.
Oh, God, thank you. Thank you! You're coming back?
Ten minutes, right here. Keep walking.
Every thinking, rational person knows that Luke Skywalker...
would totally destroy Frodo!
Yes. Were it not for the one ring which bestows the power of invisibility.
- That's Dan Vebber! - Sorry, Vebber.
- You're going away for a long time. So pack your baggins. - [All Groaning]
Dad, I know people here.
So the enemies of Middle Earth are upon Dan Vebber.
Fellow dorks, this is the man who convinced Lucas...
to not release the anamorphic, 5.1 DVD transfers...
of the original, non-special-edition Star Wars Trilogy.
[All Gasping, Growling]
[Crowd Shouting, Indistinct]
[Imitating Light Saber Buzzing]
Frodo lives and you must die.
[Steve] Not so fast, Halfling.
This is the underwear PeterJackson wore while editing The Frighteners.
- [Grunting] - Nice work, Son.
- Ooh! Ooh! - Freeze, you big-footed freak!
Dan Vebber does not fear you, for he is ushering in the age of magic.
And you cannot shoot what you cannot see. Ha!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha-
[Groaning, Sobbing]
- [Moaning] - Well done, Smith.
Well, the credit should go to Steve. He's the real hero.
- Way to go, Son. - Thanks, Dad.
I'm just glad you learned to finally appreciate me for who I am.
I sure have, Son. And I'm glad you enjoyed this auto show.
It's a sci-fi convention.
[Chuckling] My son loves his cars.
I don't get it, Roger. You say you want to connect with people...
and then you spend two hours in the bathroom...
avoiding the one person on this planet who wants to talk to you.
Just shut up and get me back to my attic.
I can't believe I agreed to do this.
It's different this time, Ilene! He's here!
And you're gonna see him! And the boys are gonna see him!
And you'll all know I'm not crazy! And we can be a family again!
Oh, God! Don't look. Don't look.
Bye-bye. See you soon.