God, what was I thinking?
I don't want to be an organ donor.
People out there, just rooting for me to die.
Steve, it's a beautiful afternoon.
Shouldn't you be outside with your friends,
turning my tool shed into Mordor or...
I've given up that dorky pastime
and decided to follow my true passion:
Look! I'm good, but I don't pull focus.
Work it, Dad! You're the star!
Thrust it, thrust it, thrust it.
Then hide the reveal.
We really should've spaced out your vaccinations.
- My study! - And my Turkish bath.
- Have a fig. - You are so dead!
You destroyed my study!
You barged into my sauna! You know how stressful that is?
I had just unclenched my anus.
My sanctuary is ruined.
You are the most selfish thing I've ever met.
What are you talking about? I offered you a fig.
I offered him a fig, Francine.
Is that true, Stan? Did he offer you a fig?
Because that sounds like the opposite of selfish.
That sounds nutritious.
- All you ever do is defend him. - Oh, I do not.
Please, you're always doing it.
Roger, painted me in my sleep!
My canvas is life. I'm an artist.
Leave him alone, honey. He's an artist.
Roger stuck a syringe in my chest!
I was playing Pulp Fiction.
The bitch was o.d.-ing
and I gave her a shot in the heart.
Leave him alone, Stan.
He thought you were an o.d.-ing bitch.
- He took my hair! - He took my land!
Leave him alone, honey. You took his land.
You have to stop making excuses for him.
- You're an enabler. - I'am not. He's an alien.
He doesn't understand how things work here.
He's been on this planet for 60 years.
He knew Stockard Channing when she was in her late forties.
No, I knew Stockard Channing in the late forties.
- She was 50. - God, I'm sick of you!
Francine, if you want to deal with Roger,
be my guest, but I'm through with him.
- You're dead to me! - Well, you're dead to me, too!
You hear me?! I don't care what you think!
He hates me!
Oh, Roger,no he doesn't.
Oh, please don't cry.
I see the moon, the moon sees me..
He... doesn't... care... if I... live... or die!
I'm going to kill myself.
I'm gonna go to Europe and throw myself in the Baltic Sea!
Roger, please don't talk like that.
Of course Stan cares.
- I'll prove it to you. - Really? How?
Don't worry, I'll come up with a plan.
Yes, a plan!
I was gonna say let's just let stuff happen,
but yes, a plan!
- Wait, where are you going? - I have to go fold some laundry.
- Can I come with? - Sure.
- Will you carry me? - Aren't you a little big for...
- I'm sad! - Okay, okay.
Oh... you're a big boy.
I like being carryied.
Hey, Klaus, check it out.
My dad is gonna hit the roof.
Oh, a temporary henna tattoo-- how daring!
What's next? You gonna bake cookies at 351 degrees?
Oh, like you're so daring.
You won't even go into the deep end of your own bowl.
Maybe we should settle this with a game of Truth or Dare.
How about Dare or Dare?
How 'bout I punch you in the bleeping face?
See what I did there? I bleeped myself.
I took the joy away from the censors.
Yeah, I'll play your game of dares, little girl.
I am a bleeping force to be reckoned with.
Okay, I'll go first.
I dare you to kiss me.
All my Nancy Drews-- ruined!
Now I'll never know how that ghost left footprints.
- Hello? - We have Roger.
What? Who is this?
- The kidnappers. - Yeah, right.
If you have Roger, then where'd you snatch him from?
- Cinnabon. - You savages!
If you want to see Roger again,
to the abandoned ice factory in Lanceton by 6:00 p.m.
or we cut him in half.
Well, what did he say? Is he worried?
He's very worried.
Oh, this is great!
And what a location for a kidnapping.
If I were writinga play-- which I am, but not about kidnapping--
I'd set it here. Interior.Lanceton Ice Factory.
and maybe the call of a lone crow
can echo in the distance.
Maybe. Maybe that couldbe in your play.
Now hurry and tie me up. He'll be here any minute.
I hope I'm not too late! Please don't hurt him
One for Please Don't Hurt Him.
- That'll be $8.50. - $8.50?
- In the newspaper it says 5:50. - That's when the movie starts, sir.
That's why you showed up at 5:50.
Feel good? Feel like a big man?
Where is he?
Stan should have been here with the ransom hours ago.
I knew he didn't care about me.
Maybe he's lost.
Of course he's lost! Lanceton?
This place is barely on the map!
Lanceton makes Idlydale look like West Hemmitburg.
Look, just calm down.
I'll go home and try to find out what happened.
- Hungry. - Okay, um, well...
I have a baggie of grapes in my purse.
Were you ever gonna tell me about the grapes?
You see why this isn't working, right? Feed them to me!
I don't like grapes.
Come on, I dare you. You have been dared.
Oh, my God! I can'tbelieve you did that.
Now you must rely solely on your eyelash for protection from debris.
- Stan, what are you doing here? - Just watching commercials,
trying to figure out which truck is the most rugged.
Hey, I haven't seen Roger all day, have you?
You just missed him.
He said he's going to a bachelor party in Napa.
- In Napa? - Yeah.
Roger's at a bachelor party
- in Napa. - Yes.
Who's getting married?
I know he's lying, but I can't call him on it.
Because if I say,
"He's not in Napa, he's at the ice factory,"
he'll say, "How do you know?" And I'll be like, "Ooh."
Oh, God, he's looking at me-- say something.
That wasn't saying something, that was doing something.
- Hello? - Why didn't you show up?
- Amanda? - Amanda?
- No, this is the kidnappers. - Oh, hey, how are you?
- Who's Amanda? - Just a friend.
A work friend?
Look, I'm sorry you had to kill Roger,
but a thousand bucks, that's a little steep.
No, we didn't kill him... yet.
But we hear what you're saying. Times are tough.
So, let's say, what, a hundred dollars?
- Forty dollars. - I don't know.
Look, just bring us whatever you have in your change jar.
- Okay, I guess. - That's right, you guess.
Get here by midnight or we cut off his head.
Francine, where's our change jar?
Oh, Stan!I'm so proud of you.
You... called it our change jar.
I guess we're really in this for the long haul.
He couldn't get the money together so I lowered the price.
That makes sense. You set the price too high.
Of course it's hard for him with you not working.
I can't wait for Stan to ride in here
like a white knight and hug me and give me hugs.
Well, in the meantime, I brought you your tacos.
Oh, thank God. I am starving.
This is Taco Barn. I said Taco King.
Aren't they the same thing?
- Anyway, Stan's coming so... - I'm sorry.I just have to ask.
Have I committed some crime?
Did I clean my toile twith a wash cloth and then jam it into your mother's mouth?
'Cause that's what you're doing to me!
- Okay, that was just an accident. - No, it wasn't!
Oh, how did Iend up here?
Stuck in an old ice factory in my least favorite wig,
all part of some dizzy blonde's joy ride.
Don't cry, Roger.
I see the moon, the moon sees me...
No! I hate it here! It's drafty!
Roger, please calm down.
Look, what if I take you to a motel?
You think I'm a prostitute, but I'm not!
Okay! Okay! How about the Four Seasons?
Carry me there.
I'm gonna hold onto your hair for safety.
Stan, how come you asked where the change jar was last night?
I knew I was going to be barbecuing today
and I didn't want the napkins flying all over the yard.
I miss Roger. Don't you miss Roger?
- Nope. - Well...
maybe you don't miss him now,
but sometimes the things we take for granted
disappear and we can never get them back.
Got it, Hayley! I did it!
I guess what I'm saying is, you're gonna miss him.
- Who? - Roger!
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Roger called and said his people came back for him.
Roger called and said his people came back for him?
Roger's going back to his planet?
Yes, but he said if we went up on the roof
he'd fly over and send us a good-bye message.
Of course, you'll have to wear this.
- Where's your pot? - I have these tongs.
Ooh! Ooh!I'm getting a message! Quick. Wave.He wants us to wave.
What's he saying to you?
Uh, I guess pretty much the same thing he's saying to you.
No, he said everyone would get their own personal message.
Adjust your pot. Come on, what's he saying?
I, uh...I think...
Is he saying,"We have caller ID"?
Is he saying
"Next time you kidnap Roger don't use your cell phone"?
Is that his message?
You've known the whole time?
Oh, Stan,it's been awful.
I just wanted to show him you cared,
but it turned intoa nightmare.
Roger's a selfish,inconsiderate beast.
Look at this! It's taco!
He did this to me. He was screaming,
He even made me buy him a Yorkie,
and then take it back when it wouldn't dance for him.
Because he knows he can get away with it!
You want him to stop being a brat, you have to stop enabling him.
- Get tough! - You're right.
- You were right all along. - Hey, look.
I've been up here background dancing
to your conversation the entire time.
And you didn't even notice. I am awesome!
- So, there is no Amanda? - There is, but she's fat.
Put the bucket of clams in the corner.
I'm not ready for 'em yet.
And that smear on the sheets is a Peppermint Patty.
It was here when I got here.
- Oh, it's you. - Roger, Stan isn't coming.
Oh, my God, Francine, what did you do this time?
I'm gonna throw this seabass on your shoes.
Now your shoes stink as bad as your ideas.
You... You struck me with a bass.
That's right, because you're a spoiled brat!
You whine and you complain and you walk all over me.
But no more! I'm done!
Go ahead. Cry. I'm not enabling you anymore.
I see the moon, the moon sees me
The moon sees the one...
- Finished? - I don't know.
You want to know why Stan didn't show up?
Because he doesn't like you.
And you know what? I don't like you either.
- Yes, you do! - No, I don't.
And if you want to win back my love and be part of this family,
you're gonna have to change. You have to be nice.
I can't be nice all the time. It's not in my nature.
Then I'm sorry, Roger, but this is good-bye.
No! Don't go!
I'll do anything!
Are you sure? You're really ready?
- I'm readyto quit drinking. - That's not whatthis is about.
Oh, thank God.
Good, you're here.
There's someone I want you to meet.
Say hello to a well-behaved fellow who's very sorry.
I'm very sorry.
I know I've been a real pain,
but I'm gonna be supernice from now on.
Por vous. You should keep it in your study.
It's nice and humid in there from all the steam. I'm very sorry.
Say it! You have to say it!
Help! Raccoons took my penis!
- Allow me, my dear. - Oh, thank you, Roger.
Why, you have fantastic posture. A truly presidential carriage.
Beat it, kiss ass.
- Stan. - I'm sorry,
but it's gonna take more than a few accurate observations
about my stunning handsomeness to convince methat Roger's changed.
Well, Roger, tell Steve what you think.
Wow, it's so brigh tand cheery in here.
They've been doing that all morning.
When I get four and twenty of 'em, I'm going to bake'em into a pie.
See? I told you it wouldn't kill you to be nice.
I've got to hand it to you, Francine.
You totally turnedRoger around.
He just made me laugh for ten minutes straight,
and when I'd had enough, he stopped.
A little tough love turned out to be just what he needed.
We should do something nice for him.
Let's get him a kayak.
That's a great idea! Where is Roger?
Let's go tell him we're thinking about getting him a kayak.
I saw him go into your study with sledgehammer and a watermelon.
- What?! - There's gotta be an explanation.
Is it Gallagher Day?
Do you see a GallagherTree, Francine?
Roger's backto his old ways. I am livid, Francine!
Now I know how bears feel.
Roger, you son of a...
Your study's reborn.
Oh, my God, Roger... thank you.
This is the nicest thing you've ever done.
Please note... the fruit bouquet.
Escape into thetaste... of summer.
I was nice in the end.
You'll remember that.
Save your strength.
Roger, you can't die.
Roger! What happened to you?
What happened to me?
What happened... to you?
Oh, Klaus dared me to dress like Captain Stubingfor fourteen months.
And she dared me to congeal myself in Jell-O.
That is really stupid.
Really... really stupid.
Look! The flower!
When Roger's a jerk, the flower perks up!
Roger, is being nice killing you?
My people need to let our bitchiness out.
Otherwise it turns to bile and poisons us.
Why didn't you say something?
'Cause, you all liked me this way.
I was finally making you proud, Francine.
Oh, God, is this all my fault?
Roger, please! Be mean!
If you have to be a jerkto live, then come on,
give us all you got.
- Are you sure? - Yes, Roger.We're sure.
Send me Steve.
Dance for me.
okay,okay that's enough. I've got what I need.
You are terrible.
You've got no rhythm.
I've seen two epileptics
share a bowl of noodles with more grace.
If your goal was to inspire a feeling of despair
the likes of which hasn't been felt
since Whoopi hosted the Oscars, then bravo
Okay, I think that's enough, Roger
Honey, no, it's good for the both of them.
I can envision millions of Americans
rising up as one and demanding legislation
that would require your legs to be amputated,
burned and buried next to Hitler.
In short, you suck. Oh, yeah! That's the stuff!
Oh, Roger! You're back.
And you're starting to get lunch lady arms.
What an ugly thing to say.
I never should have tried to change you.
And I shouldn't have tried to change myself, either.
I'm an enabler. That's just who I am.
Yeah, kinda like how Stan is a giant douche bag.
- Hey, take that back! - Don't have to, that's not who I am.
Wait, where are you going? You said you were an enabler.
Oh, I am.
And I'll be your enabler
as soon as Stan finishes being who he is--
the guy who beats the crap out of you when you deserve it.
Damn it! Why is this door locked?! Francine?!
Is this for the taco on the dress?
Francine, open the door, you bitch!
Oh, hi, Stan. Oh, thank goodness your here.
This door is stuck. Can you get it for me?
Okay, it's almost open. Now I'll throw you
Oh, me again? Okay.